Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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