blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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