He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
