Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
