so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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