I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
