Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i think my cat just said my name.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
