Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
