The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
