Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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