I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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