I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My liver just broke up with me...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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