Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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