just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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