Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
