If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
