he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
