just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
