don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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