i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
