I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
