OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
