a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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