I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
