drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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