you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
