is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
