so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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