six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
