I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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