Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
