you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
