hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
