I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
