shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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