Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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