you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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