I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
