The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
