Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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