I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
