Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
