So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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