and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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