Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
