operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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