So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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