I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
