How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
