She is in my trunk
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
