Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
