she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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