Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
