Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This baby is an asshole
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
third nipple confirmed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize