Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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