Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
