I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Two words: nipple clamps
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