I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
