the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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