I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
