Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
