So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
