Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
