Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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