there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
